He Knows The Question. And He's Going to Pop It Too.

One of my best friends just casually mentioned to me, over the phone, that he's going to propose to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. Speeding it's way to his apartment, right now, is his mother's own wedding ring. He's going to add a stone to it for his girlfriend and give it to her on Christmas Eve.

And by uttering that simple phrase, followed by "I told you this, didn't I?", this guy sent me spiraling into a dizzying spin of memory, nostalgia, regret and internal debate.

Instead of being excited for this good friend, I am left wondering how it has happened that I am the last of the four of us, all tight friends from college, who hasn't found someone for myself, yet.

Is it because I have dedicated too much time to theater and my artistic passions and left no time to be with someone?

Is it because I've had love and lost it or worst yet, denied it outright?

Is it because I've traditionally picked partners, based solely on my urges to help people who are suffering, and ended up dating girls who are just not emotionally stable enough to sustain a relationship?

Is it because I frequently have attractions for girls who are not available to be in a relationship with me and when they DO free up, they're too busy recovering from the relationship that they just left?

Is it because I've been too cautious? Have I held off for so long, that I'm no longer attractive as a potential partner? (Somebody once said, that a single, un-married guy in his .... 30's, 40's, one of the two... wasn't "an undiscovered gem", but was "a huge warning sign". When does that crossover happen?)

In my life, the concept of marriage and commitment have danced at the edges of all of my relationships.

One girl, I would've married, but I fucked it up, right proper, for the dumbest possible reason. I maintain the belief that I should be with her, to this day, 15 years later.

One girl, I wanted to marry. Her fucking another guy (maybe two others beyond him) ended all consideration there.

One girl, I also considered marrying, but frankly, she forced the issue by making living with her to be unlivable. Once that wasn't an option, marriage wasn't, either.

One girl, wanted to be married, even wanted to be married to me, but she wanted it before I did and once that pressure was applied, I got out, rather than continue to disappoint her, over and over again.

One girl, I would've married, but she ended things to go back to what was familiar to her and that was, as they say, that.

I know I bear responsibility for the decisions that I've made, to get myself here, to where I am. Both good and bad. I lit several of the matches that burned old relationships to the ground. Some of them were lit for me. And still others were not stable in their foundations, enough to consider habitation within. Once a person becomes an atheist and accepts responsibility for their own actions, it removes all influence of fate, random circumstance and God.

So, I am at the inescapable realization that I am where I am, because I have allowed myself to be here, either by choice, action or the lack thereof.

I am also reminded that if I were to be totally honest with myself, I WANT to be with someone.
I WANT to be married, committed, stable.
I WANT a partner and a lover and a friend and a wife.
I WANT her to be all of those things, rolled up into one.
I WANT to work to be worth her time, attention and commitment.
I WANT her to be worth mine.

I want these things and I do not have them. I'm not even on the path to have them. They do not seem to be eminent possibilities to me, right now.

And that's troubling to me.

This friend said, "When you know, you know" answering the doubts that I had not even voiced yet. Of course, my first question was going to be, "Is this too soon?" It was the first thing that came to my mind. And he, knowing me as well as he does, answered it before I even said anything. And then he helpfully added, "You know?" to which I had to honestly answer, "Not yet, I don't. Maybe someday."

You might have guessed who I am talking about. If you think you know, wait until after Christmas Day to confirm it with him. It will hurt his feelings to know that I'm talking about it here. So, do him that service, and don't discuss it with him, until after the turn of the year. There will be plenty of time to celebrate it then.

All My Best,
Mr.B

Joe vs His Girlfriend vs The Punisher.

Joe and I were in the living room, watching The Daily Show mercilessly rip apart the Moumbai terrorists. He would flick the remote at the DVR and fast forward the commercials. He was cuddled up on the couch, under a quilt. I was in my pajamas, slippers and robe, relaxing in the recliner.

"So, what movie did you and Mary go see today?" I asked him. I knew that he was excited to see "Quantum of Solace" and since I dug the movie, I wanted to see what he thought of it.

"Four Christmases," he said.

"Wait! What? What did you say?" I asked.

"We saw Four Christmases." he paused the fast-forwarding and looked over at me.

"Why? That movie looks like shit. The AICN reviewer said that he sincerely hopes that it kills the shitty, formulaic holiday movie genre entirely. Contrived plotlines. Broad, pointless characters. People doing and saying stupid things. Why would you go see that?" I was stunned. It was like Joe had casually said that he ate a fresh dog turd today.

"Mary wanted to see it," he said.

"Well, why didn't you try to talk her out of it. Arguably, helping her avoid that movie would've been an act of love." Clearly, I wasn't able to let this go.

"Mary wanted to see a holiday movie and that's the only one that's out now. So, we went to go see it. We were supposed to see two movies. Quantum of Solace early in the day and then Four Christmases in the afternoon. But we ended up sleeping in and missed the first movie and only saw Four Christmases. It wasn't that bad."

"Don't defend that piece of shit," I said. I helpfully added, "You better get some sort of extra sex acts for suffering through that movie. Extra Blowjobs. Or Better Blowjobs or something."

"Better than that, I got her to agree to see Punisher; War Zone with me when it opens."

"Dude, Punisher; War Zone is going to be ultra-violent. People's heads blow up. The Punisher kills people with furniture. Apparently, there's going to be a massive body count in that movie."

"I know that. And you know that. But she doesn't know that."

"Ah ha. I see," I said. " I understand now. For a second there, I thought you got the crap-end of that deal. I was almost going to feel sorry for you. But not now..."

Joe unpaused The Daily Show and we finished watching it together.

Cheers,
Mr.B

In the Office, Friday after Thanksgiving, Again...

Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with people that they actually expect employees to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Most of the staff blows a "Day Off" on the day and do not come in to work. As I type this, there are four people in our office of 18. The other 14 are MIA or coming in late or ... who the Hell knows? Maybe I'm the jerk for NOT taking the day off for myself.

In defiance of the ridiculousness of my having to be here, I am wearing a t-shirt and hoody to work today (it's casual Friday) and 45 minutes after I got here, I have YET to do any actual work. It's a freaking protest, I tells ya!

I thought I might take a minute and recap some of the good things that are happening in my life, lately. To try and articulate some of the random thoughts that are knocking around in my head. And if I get around to a cliched Thanksgiving list of things that I am Thankful for, well, then, I guess I'll post that too.

(Although, it seems odd to me to designate a holiday each year that A.) celebrates a fictional meal that our non-fictional ancestors had with people that they would ultimately fuck over pretty terribly, B.) celebrate that event by stuffing ourselves with ridiculous amounts of food and wine and C.) cultivate a general air of gratitude in our lives that we express once a year. We're not publicly thankful all year round. Just the fourth Thursday of every month. And isn't gratitude an arbitrary emotion to address once a year. Isn't fear or sexual longing more interesting? Is there a holiday set whereupon we list the things that terrify us the most and/or the people we most want to bone? What about a holiday dedicated to greedily coveting the good lives and possessions of others? What holiday is set aside for that? But I digress.)

Thanksgiving Recap:
Spent Thanksgiving with my two bosses and a few of their family members. It was really relaxing and nice. Peeled potatoes for the first time. Ate caviar for the first time. Drank too much wine, but still managed to keep from embarrassing myself with stories that are only funny to me. The food was absolutely delicious. And I got a "take home" bag of supplies which will feed me for dinner tonight. With the recent changes in management at my theater, it was good to get to spend a relaxing holiday with my two bosses. No talk of work. Nothing but great stories about theater people that preceded me by thirty or more years. It was exceptionally kind of them to invite me to join them. I had a really lovely time.

The Lord Of The Rings (again).
I sat down yesterday and began watching the first movie (expanded edition) for the first time, since those DVDs came out. I wanted to allow some time from THAT viewing to this one, so that I could watch them again, with fresh eyes. And they don't displease. I'm really enjoying myself, watching the first movie, again. Schedule permitting, I'll try to watch the other two movies over this weekend.
They really are smart, well-made movies. Wow.

Superman; 1935
Inspired by my recent reading of "It's Superman!", I've been day-dreaming about writing a six issue comics series and pitching it to DC comics, setting Superman and icons from his mythos in the world of 1935. My Superman will know nothing of Krypton. He'll be a strong guy, with amazing abilities, but nothing like the over-powered Superman of modern comics. He'll be in his early twenties and a Kansas farmboy in thought process and social skills. He can't fly, but he can jump over buildings. He's bullet-proof. He has X-ray vision. He is faster and stronger than you or I, but not as fast as the Flash and not as Strong as Hercules. I want his costume to keep getting torn in his adventures. I want him to be afraid of media atttention. I want him to meet Lois Lane and love her even though he's way below her type. I want his best friend to be Jimmy Olsen, a street kid, who sells newspapers on the streets. And I want him to fight an alien invasion, with flying saucers and little green men, with giant brains and robotic men, who clunk around Metropolis. Yeah, so, that's what I've been day-dreaming about in my off time. I really need to solidify the outline that I've got in my head and start getting some of that down on paper. I need a "Thing" that I can send to the DC publishers and try to sell them on the idea.

Joe Is Unemployed:
On Tuesday, my roommate and old college chum, Joe was laid off from the theater where he worked. It was one of those panicky, economy is on a down-turn, let's try ANYTHING to save cash moves. They basically combined his full-time job with another persons full-time job, which fucks both Joe and the person who now has to do his job.
It sucks. No two ways about it. Joe was there for 4 years and has enjoyed some stability and an upgraded life for working there. Better job. More pay. More opportunities. Better car. More authority. And he met his girlfriend there. His life is better for having been there.
But he's depressed and stuck in the rut of thinking about the theater that he doesn't work at anymore. He's stuck working there for the rest of this week and he can't bring himself to NOT work on the next show. The show that follows the one they are just opening. He comes home and talks paternally about the cast of the current show and some of his co-workers. I have to keep reminding him that they're all irrelevant to him now. That his new job is taking care of himself. He's not there, yet. He's still stuck in the past. The past where he's still employed at his theater.
I've been let go of by four different jobs now. I've been down-sized, re-positioned, not accepted and out-and-out fired. The first one was the worst one. I openly cried in my bosses office. I didn't make the decision to cry. I just couldn't contain it. I was 26 and didn't see it coming (thought I was being called into the office to get a much-delayed raise). That was the loss of job that knocked me down for a week or so, hiding from people, because I thought I had a perceptible stink of failure on me. Eventually, I figured out that I didn't. And I re-drafted my resume AGAIN and got out on the job hunt AGAIN and temped with a variety of companies AGAIN and eventually found a job that I clicked with.
Which is what Joe will have to do now. Once he gets out of the rut that he's in now. Once he realizes that he doesn't stink of failure either. Once he actually understands that this is opportunity and not abject failure. I hope he gets to that point soon.

The Girl With The Bright Red Hair.
There's not too much to report here, but it's just nice to know that somewhere out in this great, big, concrete city, there's a girl walking around, thinking the occasionally nice thing about me. An occasionally romantic thought about me. An occasionally hopeful thought about me.
I am thinking them about her too. I think we're both thinking, "Please don't let this person turn out to be a lunatic or a disappointment. Please let this person be good and sweet and kind and loving to me." You know, the same thing we all want. It would be a nice change of pace if it actually turned out that way, for once. I am ready for that to happen. I am ready to do whatever I can, to MAKE that happen.
Let's try not to over-think this one, then. Next topic, please.

The Reason For The Season.
Is Christmas Music. Well, in my book it is. I inherited a genetic predisposition for Christmas music from my dad. My dad LOVES Christmas music. His happiest time of the year is Christmas Eve, watching someone, anyone, unwrap presents in his living room, beside his Christmas tree, with a small, dainty glass of egg-nog playing, while Perry Como sings about "dashing dashing through the snow! Christmas Bells are Ring-ing!" Christmas music is so intimately tied to so many happy memories for him and by extension to me. A new Christmas CD was always a good present for him. (I think this year, he will be introduced to Sufjan Stevens Xmas album. And that I'll be burning a copy for myself before I leave home after the holidays.)
In preparation for the holiday season, I've been adding Christmas music to my ipod for two weeks now. I've created the "XmasMix" playlist, which covers over 12 hours of wonderful, joyful, uplifting Christmas music from the talented likes of Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles, Nat "King" Cole and Vince Guaraldi.
Thanks to the Library Grift, I've also added a few incredible holiday gems to the playlist.
"Christmas with the Rat Pack"
"A Christmas Present from Phil Spector To You"
"The Christmas Song" by Nat "King" Cole.
"James Brown presents A Soulful Christmas"

And speeding their way across the city to me are the following classics...
"A Holly Jolly Christmas" with Frank Sinatra
Dr.Demento's Krazy Kristmas Klassiks (or something like that).
"A Spike Jones Christmas"
"Billboard's Best R&B Christmas Songs."
"A Blue Note Christmas"

If you were to ask me what my absolutely favorite Christmas album discovery has been, though, I would have to say, without any question, that I am IN LOVE with the Ultra-Lounge album, "Christmas Cocktails" Vol.1. This jazzy, sexy, funny little Christmas collection opens with Billie May's "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Mambo" and never lets up! Also getting regular rotation in my earholes are Lou Rawls' "Christmas Is" and "Holiday on Skis". If you've seen me listening to my ipod at all for the past two weeks, THIS is what I've been listening to. Run, don't walk, to get this album. (Or download it from Itunes.) I'll be picking up Volumes 2 & 3 this weekend.

Ah Fuck It. Here's the Billie May track that I was telling you about. Give it a listen. If it twinkles your toes, then you'll know if the whole album is for you or not.



Christmas in Gatlinburg.
The next thing that I am most looking forward to is the weekend after Christmas. I've been invited to join my mom, stepdad, aunt and uncle, cousins, their husbands and their three kids for an extended weekend in Gatlinburg, TN. This is a holiday tradition that they've enjoyed for two or three years now. The whole bunch of them trundle off for a long weekend in the city. They have a picnic breakfast to celebrate the birthday of one of they only young boy of the bunch. There is go-carting. There is shopping for the parents. The kids get a day or two to explore the tourist attractions of Gatlinburg, which include The Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum", the multiple motorized Haunted Houses, the wax museums, the arcades, the shooting galleries, the toboggan courses, the indoor sky-diving, the sky needle! Yeah, you can see why I'm going this year, yes?

I visited Gstlinburg two or three times as an adolescent boy in the Boy Scouts, many, many years ago. And it really was the Appalachian Disneyland. I blew so much money on the haunted houses and the Ripley's Museum (which opens with a cracked barrel of water that funnels water UP into a pipe on the ceiling!!! You've GOT to check out a place that opens with defying of gravity and only gets better from there). I can't wait to explore the town with my cousins and their kids. I want to see if young Kyle's face looks the same way MINE did, when I saw that barrel and water business.

Also, I've GOT to try that Indoor Skydiving business. I mean, you stand on a giant fan that blows you so hard, that you levitate inside a circular tower with padded walls that go up two stories. Who WOULDN'T want to fly indoors?!?

Incredible!

Sn ow Qu een Opens on Monday.
And the best early Christmas present that I can offer you are free tickets for the Opening Night on Monday. I'm saving you $40 and inviting you to join me on the first performance of the best little show that you've never thought to attend. Seriously, get up on this. You can thank me afterwards. And you will. Because it's wonderful. And you'll be glad you saw it.
So, shoot me an email at work and get on the reservation list for this show. It's filling up fast.

Okay, I've wasted a full hour on this post. And I didn't really get around to listing the random things that I am thankful for. In order to fulfill that annual tradition, here's my list of Ten Things That I am Thankful For.

Ten Things That I am Thankful For.

1. Boobs.
2. Full Time Employment.
3. Obama is the next prez.
4. My Dog.
5. My Ipod.
6. Jazz Music.
7. The Tacqueria at the corner of Lincoln & Montrose.
8. The Chicago Public Library System.
9. 8 Years In The Greatest City on Earth. (Shh, don't tell the other cities!)
10.You

There. See? You made it on my list. I am Thankful For You. (And if you work on it and put some time in, maybe you'll rank higher than my neighborhood tacqueria, next year. Although, I wouldn't count on it. It's a pretty great tacqueria.)

Now, get back to work, corporate drones. You've got five more hours to go, before you can go home and make a delicious cold-turkey sandwich!

Cheers,
Mr.B